Honoring Infant Loss: Why I Keep My Candle Lit Beyond October 15th

Each year, October 15th is recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day set aside for families to honor and remember the lives that were too short. This year, the 15th has passed, but I find myself keeping the candle lit until the 17th—until I feel ready to let it go. My grief isn’t bound to a single day, and I know that for many others, it lingers in ways that only we can understand.

As the soft glow of the candle flickers in my home, I say the names of the children I remember—the ones given names, and those lost so early that they were never named. I hold space for the mothers, like myself, who experienced loss through miscarriage, stillbirth, preterm labor, or other complications. I honor those who dreamed of becoming mothers but were met with heartbreak instead.

Pregnancy loss can happen in many ways. Miscarriage is one of the most common types of pregnancy loss, occurring in about 10-20% of known pregnancies. Stillbirths, often defined as the loss of a baby after 20 weeks, affect 1 in 160 pregnancies in the United States. Other causes include ectopic pregnancies, where a fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, and molar pregnancies, which occur due to abnormal development of the placenta. Preterm labor, like in my case, is another factor that tragically impacts many families.

For many of us who have experienced the loss of a baby, the grief is complex and isolating. The pain of holding dreams for a child that won’t be fulfilled, the ache of empty arms, and the emotional toll of navigating a world that often doesn’t know how to talk about loss—it all compounds.

This is why Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is so significant, but it doesn’t stop on the 15th for many of us. Each year, I light a candle to honor my own child and all the children whose lives ended too soon. And as I keep it lit beyond the official day, I remember others who have been on this path. The mothers who have had early miscarriages and may feel their grief isn’t recognized, those who have experienced infertility, and those longing for motherhood, only to be met with heartache.

Ways to Cope:

• Candle Lighting Ritual: You can keep the candle lit for as long as you need, just as I do. The act of lighting a candle can be a grounding ritual that provides solace.
• Speak Their Names: Saying the names of the children you remember—whether yours or others’—is a powerful way to keep their memories alive. Even if the child was unnamed, you can still honor the space they held in your heart.
• Support Groups: Find solace in groups where families understand what you’re going through. Some find comfort in connecting with others through organizations like The Compassionate Friends.
• Nature Walks: Being outdoors, especially in the crisp autumn air, can be healing. Take some time to connect with nature, reflect, and breathe.
• Creative Expression: Journaling, crafting, or creating a memory box dedicated to your baby can help process your feelings and provide an outlet for your grief.For those who haven’t experienced the unimaginable loss of a child but are reading this article, I urge you to offer your support to those who have. Sometimes, it’s as simple as being a listening ear. Ask how they’re doing—not just once, but when the world has moved on and they still carry the weight of their loss. Your willingness to offer comfort without judgment or quick fixes can mean the world to someone grieving.

  Take a moment to reach out to a friend, a coworker, or a family member who may be hurting. Let them know you see them and that their grief matters. It may seem small, but your compassion can be a light in their darkest moments.